Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
