Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
