Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
