The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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