By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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