oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
