Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Randomize
