I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize