a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The air was thick with penises
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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