its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
