What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
