You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
