I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
