worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
