you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
