if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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