I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
