my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
