why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
