I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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