You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
