Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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