Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize