my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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