I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
