Jerry, you need to find god
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
