we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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