I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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