well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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