So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
