You're my little dorito
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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