My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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