I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
porn star boner night. come get it.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
