im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
