In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize