We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
