Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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