dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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