Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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