If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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