My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
