he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
