happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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