he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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