Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
