I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
