She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
