I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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