Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
