smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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