I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
