I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
