Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
found the other keg... it's in the tree
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
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