And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
