I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
