she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
